These Twitter trends! The top two, as I write, are #SometimesIWonder and #YouShouldNever. (#SometimesIWonder why I care, but social media is curiously addictive.) As I waved goodbye to Robin this morning, I started to jot down a few ideas for #YouShouldNever which I think will appeal to Fitton residents. Do, please, add your own thoughts. (Although I should point out to Mary Garvey’s teenage daughter that I do moderate comments and will not publish vile misspelt abuse in capital letters.)

  1. #YouShouldNever pretend to be too busy when someone from the PTA asks you for help. It’s transparently obvious that you generally waste your entire morning drinking coffee at Franco’s.
  2. #YouShouldNever, for your own safety, eat chicken nuggets in the Red Lion.
  3. #YouShouldNever spread malicious gossip, even if you do wonder why Annie Laurence’s husband was seen buying royal blue suede stilettos in size 10 at the Oxfam shop
  4. #YouShouldNever make grandiose promises you can’t keep (think of Nick Clegg)
  5. #YouShouldNever pretend the cut-price case of Sauvignon blanc is for a party when everyone knows you can’t get through children’s bathtime without it
  6. #YouShouldNever chew faster and drop your Twix wrapper on the floor when I ask you how LighterLife is going
  7. #YouShouldNever put buttons in the church collection plate. Ever. It looks so cheap
  8. #YouShouldNever venture out without 60 denier black opaques unless you feel your legs can bear close scrutiny on Fitton high street
  9. #YouShouldNever apply for planning permission for a conservatory that will utterly ruin the view from my spare bedroom
  10. #YouShouldNever boast about your luxury summer holiday in the Maldives. It may cause your listener to recoil with a sharp stab of jealousy.

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